Navigating the Challenges of Gentle Parenting

“Gentle parenting,” a term first coined by Dr. William Sears, a renowned pediatrician, has become an increasingly popular parenting style in recent years. As a new generation of parents seek to do things differently than their parents did, many are turning to methods that are backed by research and have a more child-centered approach.

So what is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is a style of parenting that prioritizes empathy, respect, and compassion for children. Instead of using punishment, rewards, or control, gentle parenting seeks to build a strong and loving relationship between parent and child that is built on trust and mutual understanding. This approach is grounded in the idea that children are inherently good and deserving of respect, and that an effective way to raise healthy, happy, and well-adjusted children is through a loving and supportive relationship. Certain techniques that are hallmarks of gentle parenting include:

1. Positive Reinforcement: Rather than punishing a child for misbehavior, gentle parenting focuses on positive reinforcement for good behavior. For example, praising a child for sharing their toys, rather than scolding them for not sharing.

2. Empathy: Gentle parenting prioritizes empathy and understanding for the child's emotions. For example, acknowledging a child's frustration when they can't have a toy they want, rather than dismissing their feelings.

3. Active Listening:  This can involve taking the time to listen to a child’s perspective and working with them to find a solution to the problem. 

4. Respectful Discipline: Redirecting a child’s behavior or setting clear boundaries, rather than punishment or control. 

5. Building Trust: Leaning into tenets of attachment theory, gentle parenting emphasizes the importance of creating an environment where the child feels safe and secure. 

Research suggests that children who are raised with gentle parenting techniques are more likely to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem, better emotional regulation skills, and better relationships with others. 

Are there challenges to practicing  gentle parenting?

Most parents are on board when they hear about the general concepts of gentle parenting. It is usually easy to agree with the idea that a child is inherently good and deserves all the love and empathy in the world. However, when gentle parenting moves from the theoretical to the practical, parents may encounter some of the following challenges: 

1. Self-Regulation: In order to practice gentle parenting, parents must be able to regulate their own emotions and respond to their child in a calm and supportive manner. This can be challenging for parents who have a hard time staying calm in challenging situations. 

2. Boundaries: A core component of gentle parenting is setting boundaries in an appropriate way. If a parent has trouble setting appropriate boundaries in their own lives, it may be even more challenging to set them in a healthy way for their child. 

3. Time: Gentle parenting requires a significant amount of time and patience. It involves taking the time to listen to your child, respond to their needs, and work with them to find solutions. This can be challenging for parents who are maxed out and are already having trouble juggling work, household chores and other responsibilities. 

If you are finding yourself having trouble parenting in the way you’d prefer it may be time to reach out for a therapist. Often when there is a gap between our ideal vision of ourselves as a parent and actual selves, we can experience anxiety, shame, or guilt. A trained therapist can help you understand your own challenges and roadblocks when it comes to parenting in the way you’d like to.  

No matter what parenting approach you choose, approaching your children from a place of empathy, respect, and compassion can be enough to build strong, loving relationships that allow them to thrive and grow. 

Panic Attacks: Your Emotional Fire Alarm

Imagine this: It’s a new day and you’ve decided to go for a stroll. You lace up your running shoes and grab a jacket, ready to smell the crisp morning air. You pass by familiar buildings and people - the post office, your favorite coffee shop on the corner, and a sea of schoolchildren shepherded by sleep-deprived parents. You extend a half-smile to the passersby and all seems well-until your racing heartbeat and shaking legs catch you off guard. Confused, you stop in your tracks, wondering what has prompted this rapid change in your body, but now your thoughts are going a mile a minute and it feels like you are out of control. You double over, placing your hands on your knees to catch your breath, and despite your best effort, it feels like you're gasping for air. You’re convinced you're dying at this moment. Sound the alarm, you’ve just had a panic attack. 

Roughly one in ten adults will have at least one panic, or ‘anxiety’ attack every year. 

While the clinical picture of panic attacks can vary, they are characterized by the following symptoms: increased heart rate, sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, choking, nausea, stomach pain, dizziness, lightheadedness, tingling in the arms or legs, feeling hot or cold, derealization (feeling that things around you aren’t real) or depersonalization (feeling like you are outside of your body), and fear of dying or losing control. Despite only lasting minutes, panic attacks can be very debilitating and can develop into panic disorder. 

Fortunately, panic attacks aren’t random. In fact, panic attacks are very predictable because they are triggered by internal or external cues of perceived threats. When you come in contact with these cues (i.e. a large group of people headed toward you during your morning walk), it signals to your mind that you are in danger and need to avoid, escape, or surrender to something to survive that moment. In essence, panic attacks are your body's emotional fire alarm system.  

When physical threats were a daily occurrence in human evolution (i.e. avoiding becoming a large animal's lunch), our ability to detect them and react appropriately was advantageous. What an effective fire alarm system! Fast forward a couple thousand years and becoming lunch isn’t a common concern anymore and our fire alarm system has evolved to detect psychological threats too. Reminders of deep fears, difficult, or traumatic events (i.e. a swarm of people subtly reminds you of the time you were caught in a stampede), or really uncomfortable thoughts about yourself (i.e. the thought “I am not good enough”) are perceived as ‘dangerous.’ This is just enough to sound off our body’s fire alarm. For individuals with recurrent panic attacks or with panic disorder, the fire alarm becomes too sensitive and will detect a wider variety of triggers that don't seem threatening at all. At this stage, panic attacks are like the alarms that sound the second you turn on the stove - you’re receiving all the signs that the house is on fire when in reality, the alarm is reacting to one controlled flame.

Panic attacks are treatable. Through therapy, you can learn the underlying meaning of your anxiety, become aware of your triggers, and begin to form a new relationship with distressing thoughts and feelings that arouse panic symptoms. In the meantime, understanding the neuroscience of panic attacks gives us ways to ‘hack’ our nervous system and override our emotional fire alarm at the sign of the first symptom to decrease the intensity and duration of panic episodes. 

Activating the Parasympathetic Nervous System: During a panic attack episode, our sympathetic nervous system - the fight, flight, and freeze system - is activated. However, we can override our panic symptoms by activating our parasympathetic nervous system - the rest and digest system - through paced breathing or changing our bodies temperature when we notice early symptoms of panic. 

• Paced Breathing: Exhaling through the mouth twice as long as we inhale through the nose is a proven way to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. Practice inhaling for 4 counts and exhaling 8. 

• Temperature: Taking a cold shower or placing a cold compress on your face or the nape of your neck while holding your breath can activate the mammalian diving reflex. This reflex slows your heart rate and activates the parasympathetic nervous system.

Releasing Endorphins: Another ‘hack’ to mitigating panic symptoms is to fight fire with fire, literally! Eating spicy foods releases endorphins in our brains which aid in reducing pain, releasing stress, and improving mood. Additionally, for heat-averse individuals, eating spicy foods at the earliest sign of panic is such an overwhelming experience that the brain shifts our attention away from thoughts and feelings related to panic (i.e. “oh no, everyone will see me panic now”) to focus on relieving the burning sensation (i.e. “my mouth is on fire, I need water”). Carrying spicy candies or gums such as RedHots or Big Red gum can be helpful for individuals on the go. For spice-lovers, eating spicy candy or gum may not have the same overwhelming effect, therefore eating sour foods or candies like lemons or sour candy is advised. 

Although these hacks are helpful and effective, they are temporary. These skills can disrupt a current panic attack episode from progressing if caught early enough, but will not prevent future episodes from occurring. Forming a relationship with a trusted therapist to address your panic attacks is the only way to reprogram your emotional fire alarm and prevent future episodes.

Space to Grieve: Supporting loved ones through pregnancy loss

Although today’s culture is more open about discussing women’s mental health, pregnancy loss continues to be a topic seldom discussed. This silence around a common occurrence (10-25% of pregnancies are lost) can lead to feelings of isolation for the birthing partner and close family. Additionally, the lack of information can leave friends and family wondering how to show up for their loved ones and support them after loss. While every person’s experience of pregnancy loss is different, here are some general suggestions to help you be there for your loved ones: 

Show up 

Sometimes when we don’t know what to say, we decide not to say anything at all. This only perpetuates the post-pregnancy loss isolation that many individuals experience. While some individuals would prefer privacy, others would prefer to talk about it. Check-in, offer support, and communicate that you are a listening ear if and when they need you. It is important to note that by checking in or offering support, you are not prompting the person to think about the loss. Instead, you’re giving them an opportunity to share about something that is most likely already on their mind in one way or another. 

Listen and keep it simple 

If you are unsure where to start, sometimes the shortest phrases, such as “I’m so sorry,” can have the most impact. After that, the best thing you can do is listen and try to validate the person’s experience. Another important thing to listen out for is if the family has named the baby. If they have, it can be important to say the child’s name as a way to communicate to the family that you are listening 

Remember the whole family unit 

The person carrying the pregnancy is usually not the only one deeply affected by the loss. Spouses and partners may be grieving as well. While they have had to step up to support the expectant partners, this won’t necessarily mean they are “ok.” A small check-in can give them the space to share their feelings. 

Give space to grieve 

Because pregnancy loss is so misunderstood, those experiencing it may feel like they cannot grieve or if they do, they may feel that they are grieving for “too long”.  Mourning may even continue after a subsequent full-term pregnancy and that too is okay. Some important sentiments to communicate to your loved one are that grief has no playbook, there is no right way to grieve, and there is no timeline. By acknowledging the pain of the expectant individual, you are endorsing the real relationship with a baby that came to an end. 

It can be hard to know how to show up for someone when they experience loss. Your best bet is to approach your loved one with genuine empathy, care, and compassion. A little support during a very difficult time can go a long way in helping someone heal. 

Click here if you want to work with a therapist so you can best support your loved one.

The Good Enough Mother: Interrupting Perfectionism and Fostering a Healthier Relationship to Parenting

In parenthood there is often a desire and pressure to get it right, but not just right, perfect. The perfect schedule, the perfect educational toys, the perfect amount of independent play versus structured play, the perfect sleep schedule, the perfect amount of screen time, the perfect weight, the perfect latch, and so on, and so on…

With an endless list of tasks to perfect, most parents are left with an inevitable  sense of failure.  Feeling as though you are not meeting the mark of the perfect parent can lead to guilt, shame, anxiety, and/or depression. Several studies have even linked perfectionism to the development of postpartum depression. 

Alas, there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and in fact, no child needs a perfect parent. Children with perfectionistic parents are more likely to experience: 

• Depression and anxiety

• Poor coping strategies

• Self-criticism 

• Their own perfectionistic tendencies 

To back up this bold statement, I lean on the term “good enough mother” by the late renowned pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. Winnicott posited that perfect parenting was not only unattainable but also undesirable. Of course, infants need attention and to have their needs met. But as children grow they are better off with a “good enough” parent, one who lets them explore their independence and encounter struggle and disappointment.  When a parent isn’t always perfectly attuned and doesn’t instantly meet every one of their child’s needs, the child is able to develop resilience. This resilience behooves the child as they grow up and encounter a world that will fail them many times. These later setbacks will not derail the child, as the “good enough” parent gave the child the space to learn to effectively deal with the frustrations of reality.  

All of this is to say, when we “fail” our kids in manageable, developmentally appropriate ways, we are actually helping them become healthier, more adaptive adults. 

Here are some strategies to move away from perfectionist parenting and lean in to the “good enough” parent: 

1. Be good to yourself. No one can do everything. Give yourself a break, ask for help, and practice self-compassion. 

2. Stop the comparison game.  Social media allows us to endlessly scroll through feeds of highlight reels which can often make a person feel inadequate. Do not worry about what others are doing with their families, do what is right for yours.

3. Trust your child to figure it out. The best way for a child to learn coping skills to help them thrive in a challenging world is to give them the space to figure things out on their own. The best time for them to learn these important skills is when they are in the safety of their parents’ home. 

4. Focus on the present, not the future. Try to stay in your child’s experience of childhood, not on the movement towards successful adulthood. For example, find a school where they enjoy learning rather than a school with the best credentials. 

Ultimately, the “good enough” ideology stands in direct contrast to perfectionistic parenting. It recognizes that a parent cannot be everything all the time, and not only is that okay, it has its own set of benefits for children in the long-run. 

Tips for Stress Management

Are you looking for help to manage your stress? Below are steps you can take to feel more calm and in control.

First, try to find out what is causing the stress in your life. A good way to do this is to track it. Get a notebook and write down when something makes you feel stressed. Alongside the stressful event, write down a number from 1-10 (1 being least stressful and 10 being most stressful). This practice will help you to identify the areas of your life that are causing the most distress.

Once you have an idea about what is stressing you out, you can start to implement techniques to reduce the stress. You may not be able to eliminate stress completely, but below are some suggestions to help you lower your stress levels and make your life more enjoyable: 

Prioritize Your Responsibilities - Start Small
Having too many “to-dos” can be stressful, work on quickly knocking out small tasks to clear up your mind to focus on larger responsibilities. 

Develop good problem-solving skills
When faced with a stressful problem, try to clearly define what about the issue issue is causing a problem for you. Then generate a list of various ways the problem could be managed. Evaluate each potential solution and then make a decision. 

Take good care of yourself 
Get plenty of rest! Find and/or make time in each and every day for some self-care. It can be as small as scheduling a 5 minute mindfulness meditation, just any activity where *you* are the priority. 

Keep things in perspective
In the most stressful situations, problems can feel bigger than they are. Take a step back and ask yourself…will this matter in a week? In a year? 

Talk to someone 
Whether to friends or family, opening up about your stress can help! Getting additional perspectives can help you gain insights to your stressful situations. There is evidence that those who have a strong support network manage stress better. 

Laugh 
All jokes aside…when you are stressed your body tends to tense up. Laughing has been shown to relieve physical tension and relax muscles for up to 45 minutes. Laughing also produces a general sense of well-being which can diffuse the stress you were feeling. 

If these tips aren’t reducing your stress enough or you are finding yourself completely overwhelmed, it may be time to seek additional help. Here at Therapists of New York we have psychologists trained in helping individuals manage and understand their stress levels. Click here to book a consultation.