Healing During the Holidays with Dialectal Thinking

While the holiday season may be regarded with warmth, twinkling lights, and holiday cookies for some, it can activate (and trigger) unpleasant or traumatic experiences for others. Perhaps you are grappling with the decision to be with relatives for this season’s festivities. Maybe the thought of returning to your childhood home brings up uncomfortable memories or you may be reminded that you don’t have a home to return to. It could be that spending time with family, and your parents especially, switches on the same role you had as a child (i.e., the peacekeeper, the black sheep, the vocalizer/person who calls out unpleasant behavior, etc). 

It is only natural to notice complex thoughts and feelings arise about yourself, your parents, and the way you were raised during this time of the year. Unfortunately, it can feel like there is only one way to think or feel – the “right” way. However, thoughts and feelings aren’t mutually exclusive. You can feel excitement and dread. The thoughts “I love my family” and “I can’t stand my family” can both be true. This is where dialectical thinking comes into play – the reality that seemingly competing perspectives can both be true and co-exist. For example, “Your parents did the best they knew how in raising you and it still wasn’t enough”. 

When you think dialectically, you are intentionally making space for multiple realities without having to sacrifice anything. Neither thought nor feeling is "better" or “truer” than the other. Consider dialectical thinking as the proverbial ‘having your cake and eating it too.’ Replacing the word ‘but’ with ‘and’ is the first step to mastering dialectical thinking. 

Here are a few more phrases you can take with you and remind yourself of throughout the holiday season: 

“I can take space from my family and love them deeply”

“My family will dismiss my trauma and I know my memories and feelings are real”

“I love X and hate X”

“Things are very different now from a year ago with Y and every day feels the same with Y”

Whether you are happily taking the first thing smoking back home or still thinking of ways to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being, you get to remind yourself of your multiple and dynamic truths with dialectical thinking. Even if your loved ones can’t or won’t.