So You’re Thinking of Trying Couples Therapy
/The process of initiating couples therapy can be particularly daunting. Not only are you entrusting a total stranger to share your most intimate and difficult internal experiences with, but you’re doing it with your partner. Often, this is the person who matters the most to you, and right now, the relationship may feel rocky. Let’s take a second to honor this. Coming to couples therapy requires a real leap of faith that this therapist may be able to help you and your partner and bring you to solid ground. To assist with this leap, I’ll address a few of the biggest blocks couples face in beginning treatment:
Is it even worth it? Are we beyond repair or are our issues too small?
Many couples struggle to come to therapy when they’re on two ends of the spectrum of distress. For some, the relationship is feeling strong, maybe you’re recently engaged and planning the future. Maybe you and your partner have lived in bliss save for one or two hot topics that you’re wanting help to discuss. This is a great time to try couples therapy! Couples work can be an incredible investment in helping a couple build a foundation, learn how to tend to each others’ raw spots and needs before your cycles of distress become rigid or build into resentment. Courses like Before The Leap and premarital counseling set couples up for success. This is one of the most beneficial preventative behaviors I can imagine. Floss, eat your greens, and get curious about your relationship.
On the other hand, so many couples face times of deep distress, maybe there was infidelity, a betrayal, or a core difference discovered in your relationship. These times can be excruciatingly painful. So many couples endure isolation from their communities in trying to protect their loved one and their relationship from outside judgment while feeling the ground beneath them shake. You don’t have to be alone here. Couples therapists can help you with these injuries and there is well founded-research showing the hope of healing through these times. The coolest part: after therapy, many couples experience a more fortified foundation and a deeper connection than before the injury. Broken houses can not only mend but can strengthen.
We tried couples therapy and it was a mess! Why bother again?
Some of the couples I work with express chaotic experiences in trying couples therapy in the past and deep hesitation in returning. Research shows that couples that engage in couples therapy with a therapist without specialized training in couples are more likely to divorce than a couple that never sought out couples therapy to begin with. Your therapist’s training and the personality fit really matters here. While you should expect to experience difficult emotions and conflict in session, at the end of the day, it’s important that you have trust in your therapist.
In seeking out a therapist, look for someone specialized, whether through referrals from your individual therapists, through friends and family who have been helped, or through research online for someone whose background matches your needs. There are evidence-based approaches that work, including but not limited to, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method. Trying again requires bravery, but your relationship is worth it.
What if my couples therapist thinks I’m the problem and takes my partner’s side?
This is probably the number one concern I hear from couples. Each conflict is a cycle that is happening between both members of the couple, that is co-created by each of you. No one person is “the problem” or “the bad guy.”
While you and your partner may have two different realities, they’re both right. I can’t do my job if I’m taking sides or judging. In treatment, I want to deeply understand you both, your triggers and feelings, your needs, and how you have learned to protect yourself when they’re not met. While certain behaviors and ways of responding may not be working for your relationship, I know you have good reasons for doing exactly what you’re doing and we’ll work together to find out just what those are. Together, we’ll figure out how to get both of your needs met and strengthen your bond. In the process, there’s enough empathy to go around–I promise!