Understanding and Managing Mom Guilt

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Picture this: You are all ready for your first night out in over six months, but just as you get to the front door you start to feel an uneasiness in your stomach, a tightening in your chest, and a heavy heart. You start to wonder if your baby will miss you, if your partner will feed her correctly, if maybe you should just stay home…

Cue the mom guilt spiral.

If this scenario sounds familiar, or if you find yourself feeling anxious even just reading the above blurb, you may be having a hard time managing the guilt that often accompanies motherhood. 

So what is mom guilt?

Mom guilt has roots dating back to our evolutionary past when there were often clear and present risks facing both mother and child. In the past, a mother’s innate, primal drive to stay close to and protect her children helped ensure survival. The problem is now, the threats are much less immediate…we may have partners or caregivers who can step in, formula is an option, the baby is safe in a crib, etc…and yet the guilty feeling remains the same. 

As stated above, guilt can have a purpose. It can function as an interpersonal alarm system to cue us into the idea that we may be behaving in a way that is not in accordance with our values. This is what psychologist Dr. Molly Millwood calls valid guilt - it is constructive and it serves a role. Unfortunately, the majority of mom guilt, especially excessive mom guilt, falls under the category of unfounded guilt, or guilt that arises from failing to meet internalized societal standards or expectations about mothers.

How to overcome mom guilt 

Mom guilt, gone unchecked, can become a huge distraction and issue in your life. It can interfere with your ability to be present with your child and also can lead to shame, depression, and anxiety. 

Here are some tips to help you overcome mom guilt: 

  • Identify the main sources of guilt: Start by taking a quick note on your phone every time you have a twinge of mom guilt, you may start to see patterns emerge. The area that is most triggering (whether it be feeding choices or screen time) may relate back to your own childhood. Once you identify an area you will better be able to recognize the triggers and not succumb to a wave of mom guilt. 

  • Tease out valid guilt versus unfounded guilt - Begin to differentiate between when your behavior violates your own values or expectations (valid guilt); versus when you feel your behavior may be judged by others based on societal norms (unfounded guilt). 

  • Stay away from the comparison game - Scrolling through social media, we are bombarded with perfect parents, those who seem to always be with their child in the most engaging activity. This mindless scrolling often activates our own mom guilt and causes us to compare our real life with a filtered version of others. If you find yourself feeling worse after using social media, it may be time to mute certain people or take a break. 

  • Practice self-compassion - Mothering is hard work! Try to understand that you are trying your best, and your best may be different than your mom or neighbor and that is totally fine! Part of practicing self-compassion is taking care of yourself;whether that is a quick breathing exercise or a spa day, make time for you!

  • Work with a therapist - Yes, stress and guilt are common experiences for new parents, but that doesn’t mean you should have to deal with them on your own. If you feel like guilt, anxiety, or shame is taking over your life, consider reaching out for professional help. Therapy can be a place where you explore how you feel and why, it is also an opportunity to learn various coping skills to deal with intense feelings of mom guilt. Here at Therapists of New York we have psychologists specifically trained in working with those who are navigating the emotional complexities of parenthood.