Healthy Assertiveness in a Global Pandemic
/Healthy Assertiveness in a Global Pandemic
Managing boundaries is challenging in the best of circumstances, but in a pandemic the stakes are higher than ever. One the one hand, we are hungry for contact as we feel isolated and afraid. On the other hand, interacting with others holds real risk to physical safety and health. Right now, the human need for relationships is in direct conflict with the need for safety. Some prioritize the need for connection but later report ‘post-hangout anxiety’: fear lingers after social events as they reflect on things they did that they did not feel completely comfortable with, berating themselves for not refusing the hug from a grandparent, the handshake from a tennis coach, or the invitation to watch a movie with a friend. Others are refusing to see others altogether, prioritizing safety over connection, which may result in feelings of isolation, hopelessness, or low motivation. In order to find a middle ground between these two basic human needs, healthy assertiveness is helpful in preserving your personal comfort zone by balancing these needs.
Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for your own needs while also respecting the rights and integrity of the other person. Though it sounds straightforward, assertiveness can be incredibly difficult. Some people hesitate to say “no” for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings, damaging the relationship, or seeming mean. If this resonates with you, you may fall into the more passive style. On the other hand, some people believe that their ‘no’ won’t be heard or respected in its own right, and so the rights and choices of others must be put second. These people are often called pushy or controlling by friends and family. If this resonates with you, you may fall into the more aggressive style. Assertiveness is the middle ground between these two styles of relating. Assertive people hold both the rights of the self and other to be equally true. In order to practice assertiveness, you must feel able to ask for what you want, while also allowing others to do the same. Difficulty with assertiveness has existed long before COVID-19, so while the tools below are framed in relation to pandemic safety, they are relevant and applicable to all interpersonal situations:
Tools For Healthy Assertiveness:
Take Your Time: The prefrontal cortex of the brain, which handles decision making and risk evaluation, can be harder to access when we are feeling afraid or unsafe. During a pandemic, being around others can trigger a fear response. It is therefore important to consider your boundaries ahead of time in a safe, comfortable space. If someone invites you to an event, let them know you are considering it and will let them know by a specific, reasonable time. Then, find a comfortable space where you feel relaxed to really consider the situation at hand. For example, imagine that your Aunt Jean has invited you to visit her. Before responding, reflect on what you need to feel safe, thinking through each step mindfully. What would make you feel most comfortable in terms of location, distance, masks, eating, traveling? Give yourself permission to identify whatever makes you feel safest. Refer to these activity-specific CDC guidelines (https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/going-out.html) if you’re unsure of recommended safety precautions.
Assertiveness Scripts: Now that you’ve reflected on what you need in order to feel comfortable, it’s time to share it with the other person. Let them know before you meet up, if possible, so that no one feels pressured, and then share your limits assertively. Here are the hallmarks of assertive statements:
Use the “I”: Generally, “I would like…” is more effective than “You need to…” Stating your needs directly acknowledges that you are asking something of the other person, and can preempt defensiveness. It allows Aunt Jean to be the person who meets your needs, rather than the one submitting to your demands. Note that saying “I feel you are…” is not stating your needs.
Be Specific: Words like “safe” and “careful” are vague, subjective, and value-laden. State the specific behaviors you’re comfortable with or wondering about.
Reinforce the Positive: By stating the positive outcome of their compliance with your request, it moves the conversation from one of punishment to one of gratitude.
Practice: It might feel silly, but if you practice beforehand, it will be much easier to say these prepared statements in the moment. Use these guidelines to speak into the mirror: “I’d like us to sit outside for our dinner, Aunt Jean. I really want to see you and I’ll be better company if I’m feeling safe.”
How to Say “No”: If someone makes a request that you do not want to comply with, then it’s time to practice your assertive “No”. If you’re in person, make eye contact and speak firmly. “No, thank you” is sufficient for a stranger. If it’s a relationship you value, you can offer an explanation as well as an alternative plan that works better for you. For example, “I’m not comfortable going to your birthday party because I’m not taking public transportation right now. I would love to have dinner over Zoom together instead.” Remember: the other person does not need to accept your no. If they keep pushing, use the ‘broken record’ technique, repeating a succinct version of your “no”. Try saying “I’m not comfortable doing that” three times, calmly in an even voice. It might sounds silly, but it is effective.
No Apologies: It can be tempting for people who are more passive to couch their requests or needs in apologies. But saying things like “Sorry I’m being paranoid, but…” undermines the legitimacy of your needs and opens the door for boundary crossing.
Accept the Consequences: Just as you have the right to say no, others have the right to not like it. Your aunt has the right to think you are being hypersensitive, entitled, hurtful, or dramatic! Recognize and accept that your ‘no’ may elicit an emotion from the other person. That doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to state your needs.
Accept Their No: It may be difficult to hear someone else tell you ‘no’. You might feel that the other person is the one being hurtful, judgmental, or hypersensitive! You may have the urge to cajole them, convince them, or defend your choices. While you have a right to your feelings, pushing back against the other person’s boundaries is aggressive behavior, not assertive behavior. Try and remember that we are all doing the best we can to find the balance between safety and connection, and that this balance is unique to each person.
Though it may feel unnatural at first, assertiveness is key to feeling both safe and connected. Boundaries in relationships are not a punishment – boundaries are actually an effort to maintain a relationship with someone, by making sure you enjoy seeing them, both in the moment and for the two weeks afterwards.
For scientific and up-to-date recommendations and guidance on what behaviors are safe, please refer to the CDC’s website (https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prevent-getting-sick/prevention.html).
If you want to speak to one of our team members about asserting your needs at Therapists of New York, click here to book a consultation.