Before The Aisle: Building a Modern Marriage

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As the “mental health generation” prepares to walk down the aisle, psychologically-minded couples are considering premarital counseling to start their unions on the right foot. Despite this growing interest, many couples wonder: what is premarital counseling, anyway? 

While some religious leaders require premarital counseling in order to marry couples, more and more couples are seeking secular marriage preparation to either supplement or replace this traditional practice. Regardless of religious or secular affiliation, premarital counseling is a strengths-based, wellness-focused approach to relationship health. At Therapists of New York, we see premarital counseling as an opportunity to capitalize on the excitement and hopefulness for the future that comes with the desire for a greater commitment. That is why we offer Before the Leap, a fun and interactive workshop for couples entering the next phase of their relationship that teaches the skills needed for happy, lasting partnerships.

Premarital counseling is quite different from couples therapy. When couples come to couples therapy, they have often been in crisis for far too long - studies show that couples spend, on average, six years in distress before seeking therapy! Couples therapy often must address long-standing, entrenched conflict patterns and communication issues, as well as years’ worth of resentment related to these ongoing cycles. Premarital counseling is an opportunity to foster open conversation and healthy communication habits at the outset of this next chapter. 

Research supports the efficacy of premarital counseling; studies show that couples who have engaged in premarital counseling are 30% more satisfied in their relationships, report lower rates of conflict, and are less likely to get divorced. Premarital counselors guide couples through difficult conversations, and the sessions provide an opportunity for the development of a shared language to express your needs, wants and emotions to one another in the short-term and beyond. The sessions are an opportunity to reflect on your goals for your future together before walking down the aisle- many couples even end up incorporating some of what they’ve learned in premarital counseling into their vows!  While couples typically seek out premarital counseling once they are engaged, other couples come in anticipation of getting engaged, before moving in together, or before getting a pet together. Regardless of the type of commitment you are making, the same principles apply.

Premarital counseling can be conducted with the couple and the counselor, or in a group format. It is typically short-term and more structured than couples therapy. Topics explored in these sessions may include:

  • The meaning of marriage (or commitment) for each of you

  • Communication skills

  • Conflict resolution skills

  • Financial goals and priorities

  • Family of origin dynamics

  • Raising children

  • Sexuality

  • Religion

  • Division of labor

  • Building rituals

  • Shared/individual goals and dreams

When planning a wedding, there are innumerable checklists, to-do lists, and traditions to keep track of. It can be easy to get swept up in the many decisions to make for that “big day”. In between the venue visits and cake tastings, remind yourselves what your wedding is ultimately about: the decision the two of you have already made, to make a powerful commitment to one another.  Premarital counseling is one way to honor and protect that commitment. 

If you’d like to seek out premarital counseling at Therapist of New York, contact us here.