Breaking Up With Your Therapist: What to Ask Yourself (and Them) Before Calling It Quits

Feeling like you want to break up with your therapist is scary and confusing territory, so much so that it often creates urges to ignore your feelings, lie about your reason for ending, or ghost your therapist altogether.  First, a caveat* – if your therapist has crossed a clear ethical boundary, acted inappropriately, or made you feel unsafe, leave as soon and as abruptly as you want.

BUT – If your desire to leave therapy is stemming from some other frustration, disconnection, or dissatisfaction with therapy, sharing this feeling with your therapist can be a powerful opportunity to gain insight about yourself and your relationship patterns.

Here are some common myths that exist about feeling dissatisfied with your therapist or ending therapy:

MYTH #1: Conflict with your therapist is always a bad thing.

False. While getting into conflict with your therapist can sometimes indicate a need to end, that is not the only possibility.  Having conflict in your therapy relationship can be constructive. In fact, research shows that having conflicts with your therapist and working through them together leads to better therapy outcomes than if you never experience conflict at all.

Why would conflict be useful? Sometimes, the conflicts we experience with our therapists can be similar to the conflicts we have with family, friends, or romantic partners. From birth, we each develop blueprints for what to expect in relationships. Some blueprints are healthy and useful, and others can hinder us from feeling understood and effective in relationships. Some examples of a hindering blueprint could be, “I have to fix my problems on my own” or “Others aren’t dependable when I need them,” or “If I express frustration I will cause conflict or I will be left.” It’s common (and actually healthy) to bring our old blueprints into therapy. 

If you are frustrated with your therapist, don’t call it quits before sharing your feelings!! Talking about your feelings with your therapist will allow them to be curious with you and learn more about your relationship patterns.  It will also allow you to see relationship blueprints that have stuck with you from the past. While we can’t guarantee how every therapist will respond, most therapists will view this information as a chance to help you 1) gain insight into your relationship patterns and 2) gain practice at challenging or altering the blueprint, so that your past does not dictate your present. For instance, you may learn that expressing frustration does not damage the relationship and may even strengthen it.   

MYTH #2: “My therapist doesn’t want to hear my complaints about the therapy or decision to leave. They will be offended or upset.”          

False. Keep in mind that experienced therapists have supported several clients through endings before – it comes with the job. A good therapist can recognize that they are not the perfect match for every client who they encounter and that sometimes people need a change. Maybe that’s the case in their work with you, maybe you’ve outgrown them, or maybe they just need your feedback to shift their approach and help you both get back on track. Your therapist won’t take your wish to leave personally; they will want to help you process the conflict you’re having about therapy in a way that feels supportive and helpful for your next steps. They can even offer you referrals for someone new who would be a better fit.

MYTH #3: “I know I’m definitely leaving - they’re not going to change my mind so there’s no point in talking about it.”

False. So maybe it is time to end with your therapist. Maybe it’s not the right match or maybe you've achieved your therapy goals. Think about all the frustrating and disappointing endings we go through with relationships.  It’s 2021 – people ghost, avoid, lie, blame, and ignore the uncomfortable emotions that come with conflict and endings. Discussing your decision to leave does not only provide you closure (a rare find these days), but it also provides a chance for you to practice communicating your needs. Using this opportunity to share honestly – whether it’s fear, frustration, anger, abandonment, sadness, or even gratitude – will at the very least be good practice. Your future relationships will thank you.