Most people don’t look forward to fighting with their partner. Conflict with your partner can be painful. However, if done effectively,  it can also create positive change and help you and your partner learn more about each other. As a couples therapist, I consistently witness the power of increased understanding and compassion that comes from fighting..

In therapy, I honor the power of conflict and the energy that is pushing you towards challenging topics. Instead of working to silence hurt or avoid conflict, we talk about how to navigate conflict effectively. Below I’ve included some of the key ways that couples can master the art of conflict so that it can work for your relationship instead of against it. 

Set yourself up for success

When and where couples argue matters. Do you or your partner end up feeling trapped and defensive if you fight in an enclosed room? Go for a walk or sit outside. Does your partner bring up a tough subject in the middle of a stressful work day or right as you’re drifting off to sleep? Set a time aside with your partner that works for you both to be present and attuned for hard conversations. 

If the fight gets too heated and you or your partner need a break, take a time out and identify a time to return to the topic. Taking a time out without leaving your partner feeling abandoned is key. Be sure to communicate that you care about your partner but that you need a break to think clearly, do something that calms your nervous system during your break, and be sure to return to the topic when you say you will.

Send clear signals

When you send clear signals, you’re able to express what you’re reacting to, feeling, or needing without defensive or reactive moves that muddle the message. This is the difference between:

Clear signal: “I feel anxious when you stay out late and don’t tell me. I’d feel more calm if you could send me a text to tell me you’ll be out late. Would that be okay? ”

Defensive signal: “You’re selfish for not texting me when you stay out late. You never think of me.”

Easier said than done. We’ve all been there. When you’re feeling triggered or upset and you feel an urgency to talk with your partner, try to identify what you’re reacting to, how you’re feeling, and what your needs are. If you can’t think clearly enough to answer those questions, do something to bring down the intensity of your emotions. This could be a hot bath, a workout, or meditation–whatever works for you. Process your emotions with a trusted friend or therapist if you’re not sure what you’re feeling.

When you’re clear and ready to approach your partner, see if you can shift out of automatic defense-mode (e.g., you have the urge to blame your partner, critique them, run away, or blow up). Describe what you’re responding to clearly and non-judgmentally, use I statements, and express your vulnerable feelings. Own your longings and needs. Send a clear signal. This shift in approach will help your partner hear you without shutting down or becoming defensive and hopefully, respond to you. 

Recognize you’re on the same team

We live in a competitive world where dominating another while winning in triumphant defeat is glorified. Whether it’s Sunday night football or watching the presidential debate, we often associate beating another with success. Making an argument with lists and clauses, trying to disprove an opponent with a rock-hard position can be rewarding–I’ve been there– but this strategy doesn't win us any favors in relationships. 

If we set up a dynamic where we think fighting means winning by demolishing our opponent (ahem, partner) we are set up to fail. Most people cannot successfully respond to hearing several hurts or complaints at once without getting flooded or defensive. And if we’re set on always being right, that means our partner is in the position of always being wrong. Fighting with your partner is a relay race. No partner can get dropped, left behind, or trampled over and cross the finish line together. 

Learn how to repair

Successful couples know how to repair after an unresolved fight. This is a key ingredient for long-lasting change. To have a successful repair after a fight, both partners need to eventually feel understood and validated in their own reality. That means taking turns, talking about one issue at a time, and hearing out your partner’s side with openness. Go slow and be intentional about taking turns. If someone clearly has more hurt, start with them. 

Get curious about the other, and genuinely try to get their perspective even when it’s different from yours. If this is hard, take turns trying to describe what you imagine your partner is feeling to them and checking in with them to see if you got it right. I call this, “empathy olympics.” It brings down defensiveness and helps you walk in your partner’s shoes. Express understanding when you get it, “I can see how that left you feeling rejected.” Own the impact your behavior had on your partner, even if it’s different from your intention. Then switch and repeat. 

When you start to feel like your partner is the enemy, remember you’re on the same team. With commitment, courage and some new skills, you can be a formidable pair.