Skills for Anger Management

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Society has conditioned us to view anger as a bad emotion. However, the experience of anger in and of itself is not a bad thing. Emotions-including anger-are neither good nor bad. All emotions have functions. Here are some of the functions of anger: 

  1. Anger has developed throughout evolution. We feel anger to help activate our nervous system to fight back when we need to protect ourselves from danger. 

  2. Anger can help us to enact change. If you felt invisible or picked on as a kid, anger can now be part of what empowers you to stick up for yourself and others. 

  3. Discharging your anger can provide a short-term sense of relief.

Part of why anger has developed a bad reputation is because the behaviors associated with it can sometimes make people feel out of control or destructive. This can be managed by learning to recognize your anger but not act on it impulsively. Here are some strategies to turn down the intensity of your anger, A.K.A. to stop you from going from zero to sixty. 

  1. Thought Projection - This is a technique that allows you to identify where the anger resides in your body and then project it outwards. This provides a way to give yourself an opportunity to observe your anger. 

    1. First think about how anger manifests in your body. Do you feel a tightening in your gut or your face? 

    2. Wherever you feel the anger in your body, stop and ask yourself: Does this feeling have a shape? Does this feeling have a color? 

    3. Whatever the shape and color is … project it above your ahead (like a thought could). Now fill the image with words behind the anger (disrespected, loser, threatened). Observe what your anger looks like from the outside. 

  2. Life-saver technique 

    1. Think of an intense moment where your anger and reaction was at an 8, 9, or 10 or on a scale of intensity. 

    2. Use this memory as a baseline for when you know you will react in an intense way.

    3. Next time you identify a situation as an 8, 9, or 10, walk away before you act

    4. If walking away is difficult, have a life-saver (the actual mint) and you cannot act on the situation until the life-saver dissolves. 

    5. This will usually buy you enough time to have some distance between your feeling and your reaction. 

      1. Remember, anger comes in waves! It won’t last forever. 

  3. S.T.O.P. Skill 

    S - Stop - the first step is to simply stop - before the emotion you’re feeling gets too big - simply freeze. It can help to imagine a big red stop sign in your mind, or say the word STOP out loud. 

    T - Take a Step Back - Either take a step back mentally or physically. Give yourself some time to regulate and get your heart rate and breathing to slow down.

    O - Observe - Take stock of what is happening. Consider how a third party might describe the situation.  

    P - Proceed Mindfully -Now that you’ve taken the edge off of the emotion,  try to think through your next steps and make a choice that will be consistent with your wants, needs and desires, both in the short and long-term.