Believe it or not, arguing can save your romantic relationship. Differences are inevitable in intimate relationships and conflict provides an opportunity to harness healthy aggression to clear the air and make space for growth. More relationships die by ice than by fire— meaning the bigger danger is disconnection, not conflict. However, not all arguments are created equal. Studies show that fights filled with contempt, stonewalling, criticism, and defensiveness erode relationships. Learning to fight well is key in lasting relationships.

Knowing that arguments are good for our relationship doesn’t make them easy! Arguing with loved ones activates our nervous system since our brains flag disconnection as a safety threat. Each person reacts to this disconnection differently. Some people cry, criticize, fume, or demand to work it out immediately. Others shut down, withdraw, acquiesce, or stonewall their partner. These attempts to immediately “fix” things or avoid a fight may minimize overt conflict in the moment, but they don’t serve the relationship in the long run. Taking a ‘time out’ from an argument when it gets too heated can help both partners stay engaged in healthy conflict long enough to grow. 

Time outs allow us to hit pause, self-soothe, and return to the conversation with greater insight and empathy. Also, knowing that each of you can call a time out makes conflict feel safe, which can be a new and healing experience for many people. 

How to Take a Time Out:

1. Notice your dysregulation. You are in the middle of a fight and you feel overwhelmed. Look out for the thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations that signal dysregulation: racing heart, clenched fists, tight jaw, raised shoulders, a pit in your stomach. Your thoughts might be cloudy or black-and-white, unable to think of any compromise. You might be feeling intense emotions, such as hopelessness, despair, shame, or terror. Practice becoming mindful of these signals.

2. Call a time out. Say out loud, “I need a time out. Let’s come back to this later.” If you can give a specific time window, it can be helpful (for example, specifying “later tonight”). Letting your partner know you will come back to the conversation shows them you aren’t avoiding them (more on this below).

3. Self-regulate. Use the time out to soothe yourself. This is not the time to replay the argument in your head. Instead, do things to help regulate your nervous system. Go for a walk, listen to music, take a bath, read a book, watch TV, dance it out, call a friend—whatever you need to feel calm and relaxed.

4. Reflect. Once your body is calm and your thoughts are more balanced and curious, you are ready to reflect on the argument. Writing your reflections down can be helpful. Note what specifically upset you. Was it something they said? How did you interpret their behavior? How did it make you feel? Often three or more emotions come up, so take your time unpacking them. Challenge yourself to identify why those specific emotions came up based on your own vulnerabilities and history. Try putting into words the other person’s perspective. Practice holding both their perspective and your perspective in mind at the same time. Then own your part in the conflict, and be specific about what you need from your partner in the future.

5. Return. This step is what distinguishes a healthy time out from avoidance. It is essential that whoever called the time out calls the ‘time in’, initiating a return to the conversation. By returning to the difficult conversation, you are reaffirming that the time out was indeed for the sake of reconnection, and builds trust.

6. Repair. Now is the time to share your reflections with your partner. Putting them together, they might sound something like this:

“I understand that you forgot to text me because your phone died [reflecting their perspective]. When you didn’t respond to my texts [naming their behavior], I felt worried and forgotten [“I” statement + vulnerable emotions]. I’m sorry I sent those accusatory texts when I couldn’t reach you [own your part]. In the future, I would appreciate it if you could let me know if your phone is low on battery [stating future need].”

Healthy relationships are not conflict-free: they are defined by constructive repair. Avoiding disagreement by swallowing our feelings or trying to always be perfect does not foster authenticity and will therefore not bring long-term satisfaction. Conflict can be a chance to express our needs and wants, learn more about our partners, and grow closer. Time outs are a helpful tool to get you there. 

If you feel like you need more help in navigating conflict in your relationship, contact us here and we can set you up with one of our therapists.